Missing her

Mornings like this morning... I want to drink my daily sonic diet DP and go back to bed. I don't know what sets me off some mornings. After family prayer this morning, I struggled to get Ava ready and out the door. I don't like when my girls see me cry. But today, I couldn't contain myself. They are the sweetest girls I know. Always going out of their way making me feel better. I heard Elsie running in the kitchen to tell J, "mom is crying, hurry and come." It melted my heart. My family is the greatest, they have helped me gain strength. I just miss her. I don't know how people cope when they lose a child or loved one and don't have a spouse or other kids to pick them up. I am thankful everyday for my sweet family and their strength. They have truly taught me how to be more sympathetic (which I need).

I started my baby's nursery yesterday and all of a sudden, it felt real. I am really having a baby in just 7 short weeks. Wow... I have so much to do. I think the Lord knew I might need a special little guy to help lift me up. Although these two girlie's and my sweet husband have done an amazing job... I am so excited to hold my little guy!

(picture taken in Colorado... I have so much to update about!)

Sympathy

I have always struggled with having sympathy for my "typical" children while they are sick. Jason reminds me often when they aren't feeling well that, "you can tell they aren't Emmie!" She got the royal treatment when she was sick. Because when she was sick... she was on the verge of being admitted to the hospital. Well...both my girls have been sick with a cough for the last week. No fever, just a constant annoying dry cough. I keep telling J.. "it's viral and it will run it's course." You see... I have a sense when it's viral vs. bacterial because I have been through this with Emmie more times than I can count. J has been bugging me to take the girls to the Dr. all week last week so we can all get some sleep! Finally this morning, I gave in. When I walked in to the Dr. office I knew why I was trying to put this "first" on the back burner. As soon as I saw our Doctor my eyes filled up with tears. They have been such a great support to me over the last 8 years with Emmie. They ask me what I need and the quantity etc. I tell them and they write the prescription. I had his cell number on speed dial. They know that mom knows best with a special needs child. With my other children it is different. They take charge. It was a relationship that I can't describe but I know I will miss it. Yes, I will still see them when I take my other kids in but it's just different. I was right though.... it was viral! Just the typical breathing treatments, cough medicine and "it has to run it's course" saga. I figured but I just needed to please my hubby! I need to work on having some sympathy for my other kids now that Emmie isn't with is. It was good to get that "first" over with. A hard one I might add.... because they were so kind to Emmie. They truly loved her and sent the most beautiful flowers when they heard the news. I have established some amazing relationships through Emmie. Ones I have been missing so much but am grateful to have had them.

movies

{Post Written: August 28, 2010}

Tonight we went to the movies. Another first. Em loved the movies. She loved the volume loud and the huge screen. We always sat in the handicapped seat, of course. Tonight was a first. We sat behind the handicapped seat and of course I left crying envisioning Emmie sitting next to me or J.... Us lifting her head up, making sure she was warm with all the blankets I would bring and her laughing at the screen. I brought blankets for my other two lastnight. Of course, we felt her sweet spirit missing again. We then walked FAR away to our parking spot because we weren't parked in handicapped anymore, another reminder she wasn't there. Our two girls got in and as we drove away our girls have been fighting like no other, just like normal kids. We have a new seating arrangement in our car which has been difficult. Ava now sits in Emmies bucket seat next to Elsie. The two go at it and tears are rolling down my face again. My husband asks me if I'm ok and of course I'm not! I just realized why there has always been so much peace in my car. Nobody fought with Emmie, who sat next to Elsie. Ava used to sit in the 3rd row and the car rides were always so peaceful. Strawberry Shortcake was ALWAYS blaring. Nothing else was ever allowed to enter our DVD player. Sad, I know, but it's just the way it was. We came in the door and I would always hold the door for J as he would bring Emmie in. Another change. It's just all so strange. I am trying to get used to my new life as a "typical" mother, but it is far from easy. I miss being a "special needs" mom. I had to learn that first and it's been that way as long as I have been a mom. I am grateful for the conversation that Jason and I had as we went to bed talking about Emmie. Where she is and what she is doing. It's the only thing that can comfort me at this time. I know she wants me to be happy but it is so hard when you have a broken heart and you miss someone this much. The firsts for everything have been difficult, but I know I have the strength to get through it.

Sisters

Yesterday my girls and I were driving in the car by ourselves. We have Emmies video playing in our car in place of Strawberry Shortcake. I don't want Elsie to forget her. I know their relationship will fade as Elle grows up so I am grateful for videos and pictures to help keep them alive. My conversation with Ava struck a core with me as they were watching her video.

Ava: Mom... I really miss Emmie's smile and how she would stick her tongue out.

Mom: I know, it was the cutest thing ever, I miss it too.

Ava: How come when I stick mine out it's not cute?

Mom: I'm not sure babe, but Emmie just had a way that everything she did was so sweet and innocent. (I thought it was funny that she had tried to do the same as Em to see what she looked like)

Ava: I know... I miss her mom.

Mom: Me too.... more than you will know! What do you miss most about Em?

Ava: I miss getting you trachs and diapers, massaging her feet, brushing her hair. I miss helping her lift her head up and wiping her mouth. I really wish she didn't want to go back to Heavenly Father. I want her to stay with us.

Mom:(tears flowing down my face) I'm so sorry you lost your sister sweetie. I want you to know you WILL see her again and it will be a glorious reunion.

Ava: I am so sorry you lost your daughter. I feel so bad for you.

This conversation brought tears to my eyes for many reasons. I think what Ava was trying to say was that she misses serving her sister. She truly loves her sister more than anything and misses "helping/ serving" her. I don't ever think I could ever teach my 7 year old out of a book or lesson plan on how to have the "pure love of christ" and how to serve someone the way she has for 7 yrs. Only Emmie could come to this earth and teach her that precious lesson. I am beyond grateful for the relationship they have with one another. Not very many children have the opportunity to have a sweet little angel live in their home and help care for them. Sometimes I would feel sorry for Ava because I felt like I put so much pressure on her to do this and that for Emmie. She never complained, not once! I felt bad that she didn't have the "typical" sister relationship that I have with my sister. I felt like she got robbed before Elsie came along. Now looking back, I am so grateful she had the opportunity to serve Emmie. Not very many children get to do that for a sister who never plays or speaks to them. It really is a gift and I feel Heavenly Father blessed us beyond measures to have this life. It was such a different life that I can't really explain but I know I miss it more than anything. Life was definitely more challenging and it felt unfair at times but I wouldn't trade one thing about it. I am grateful for sisters. We all knew how much Emmie loved her sisters through her eyes and the way she would look at them. Ava has been praying about the day she is reunited with Emmie. She had a melt down tonight after her prayers and felt guilty for not scratching Emmie's back the night before she passed. I told her how grateful Emmie was for all the nights she "did" scratch her back and one day she will repay her. It will feel so good be the recipient of Emmie's hugs. I know we are all looking forward to it. I hope I can do my part here and raise my other children so we can all return to be in our Heavenly Fathers presence with our sweet Em~Bug. That will be an amazing day for me. I love and miss her more than anything and I hope time goes by quickly.

Hard Night

 It's been a hard night. We began our new routine today. Ava started school and dance, Elsies first day of preschool. I should be excited right? Not really. The reality when I went upstairs to get Avas clothes (Ava and Emmie share the same closet) layed out kinda hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. No bus came at 8:15. Family scriptures and prayer just wasn't the same without my Em bug there. No strawberry shortcake playing on the kitchen tv as I was getting lunches and bags packed. After the girls were off to school I got the remainder of the stuff wrapped up at the mortuary with my hubby, mom and dad. It was nice to have closure in that area but it hit me very hard. Now the reality of life going on and my heart trying to heal. I don't think it ever will but J gave me a book that I started reading tonight. Here are couple quotes from some prophets that helped me.




In the resurrection the spirit will re-enter it's body, which initially will be in exactly the same state as when the spirit left it. Bodies that were sick, infirm or deformed will then be restored to heath and perfection, apparently almost instantly– as Amulek says, to a "proper and perfect frame." (Alma 11:43.) Nor will age at time of death determine a resurrected being's appearance. President Joseph Fielding Smith said:


Old people will not look old when the come forth from the grave. Scars will be removed. No one will be bent or wrinkled.... Of course, children who die do not grow in the grave. They will come forth with their bodies as they were laid down, and then they will grow to the full stature of manhood or womanhood after the resurrection, but all will have their bodies fully restored. 


Thus we know that those who lose little children and are worthy will not only be reunited with them but will have the blessing and opportunity of raising them in the glorious circumstances of the resurrection. Joseph Smith gave total assurance regarding the place of small children who die.


The lord takes many away, even in infancy that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of the present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.

How nice to know that I get Emmie back at the age of 8 1/2 and have the opportunity to raise her. That is such a miraculous gift. What a sweet promise. I am grateful for that knowledge to know if I do my part, I get to be with her again. I know I will have tough days ahead but with reading, praying and searching my scriptures, I will endure.

Today was Perfect!

Today was perfect. I felt the spirit so strong as I walked into the stake center. I knew Emmie was with us. I am going to miss her more than anything in this world. I would give up everything to have her for another year. She was such a happy little girl with a smile that could light up a room. I will miss her sweet spirit that has presided in our home over the last 8 1/2 years. It is a feeling of comfort that I can't explain. We definitely feel a sense of emptiness in our home now. My husband and I were truly honored to be able to stand as witnesses and testify of the wonderful experiences we were able to share with Emmie throughout her life. We could have talked for hours about her and how sweet she was. The entire day was perfect. We felt the love of others around us and felt like Heavenly Father was carrying us. It was so comforting. I can't begin to explain how truly grateful we are for the amount of people that came to support us and Emmie. We were overwhelmed and truly amazed by the amount of service that was dedicated to our family over the 10 days. Your prayers, kind words and thoughts have reached our home and it is a miracle in itself to be on the receiving end of something so wonderful as this. Thank you, thank you for the bottom of our hearts. I have felt so lifted and so much closer to my Heavenly Father. I feel his love... I really do. I look forward to the day I am reunited with my precious Emmie.

(Here are a couple pictures that my friend Kristyn has taken during this difficult time in my life. She is an angel and I can't express how grateful I am to have amazing friends. They have taught me how to be a better friend.)

I will forever cherish this photo... So precious

Thanks again... I am upset that I haven't been blogging and will be better. I have so much to share over the last 10 days. They have been very special to me and I know I will never forgive myself if I don't document them.

Emmies special day...

We are so excited for your special day....

You are our Angel!

8 is great!

I have to say... this day has felt so far away. 8 years ago today, my first born was born. I had dreams of being a mom for the first time and taking that journey everyone had talked about. I had no idea my life that day would change forever. After she was born and rushed to the hospital, I arrived 5 hours later to see her. My mom and dad pulled me into a room and told me news about my baby girl that I thought I would never hear. I was a very naive 25 year old when it came to knowledge regarding a disability or how children become disabled. I had never "thought" about it. My life felt like it was falling apart that day. It was. It took a while to finally accept my "new" life. But, once I did, I fell in love with it. Sure, there were some very trying times that most couples never face in a marriage. The Dr's told us our divorce rate would rise 80% from the norm. They told us she might make it to age 8. They told us she would never recognize us or know us. They told us she was deaf. I will never forget them sitting us down trying to talk us out of giving her more chances on the ventilator. How could a parent even think of letting go? I couldn't. I was ready to take on the challenge... and we did. Yes, we were young but one thing we were taught was to rely on prayer and priesthood blessings instead of the Drs and their statistics. We went home with her not knowing what to do. She would have to teach us, instead of us teaching her. And she is, still to this day. I have made many mistakes, I am sure. But she accepts me, loves me and continues to cheer me on. She keeps me on the straight and narrow. She teaches her sisters unconditional love, she teaches grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins what life is really about and whats most important. She has taken us down a road to teach us the "pure love of Christ". We have endured so much together but through it, it has made our family stronger. We have beat the odds and I am so proud of her and how brave she is. She is such a fighter and has a smile that will light up the room. I am so grateful my Father in Heaven has entrusted me with her. She is such a special spirit that loves us so much... almost as much as we love her.

Happy 8th Birthday Emmie! We made it!!

Emmie around 6 months

Isn't she the cutest thing you have ever seen?!?

Emmie 4 months

She had the stinkin cutest laugh!

Second Chance

This is why I am blogging again. I HAVE to document my life and experiences so I don't forget. The good and the bad. I feel so blessed. I had the 2nd scariest night of my life December 30, 2009, a night I will never forget.

It was a COLD day. Fires were all on. Hot Chocolate was being prepared. I was on the phone with my sister Carrie, cooking dinner, talking about our New Year Eve party and I asked my daughter Ava to go check on Emmie (Emmie was sleeping on my bed, taking a late nap cuddled in a warm blanket up to her shoulders with our fireplace on). Ava reported back and said, "yes mom, she is still sleeping." I waited another 20 minutes before checking on her doing my thing that moms do, trying to finish dinner, cleaning house and waiting for Jason to get home. I had an impression to check on her again, so I did. As I walked in my bedroom, I knew something was not right. Her face was wrapped in the blanket. I turned her over and her body tone was much different than normal. I turned the lights on because it was dark out. Pulled the blanket off and found my daughter blue from head to toe. I screamed, hung up the phone and called 911. I thought I lost her. The lady on the phone couldn't understand me. I couldn't get Em to respond to me. I won't go into much detail but her eyes were rolled back, it was not good. I was yelling at the lady, "my baby is gone, HELP!" I was shaking her and nothing. I was blowing on her face and nothing. I don't know why, but I decided to pick her up and run outside to the cold to help stimulate her. Probably not very smart, but I was desperate. 911 advised me to go back in and lay her on her back. I couldn't, she wouldn't make it unless I got her to respond to me soon. I knew that the cold always helped stimulate her. Finally... she took a very small, slow breathe. Her color on her face started to come back. It felt like the paramedics were taking FOREVER. They finally arrived cut her clothes off, gave her oxygen, gave her an IV. Her hands and feet were still blue at this point. They said it's the last thing to come back. I don't think I have ever felt so alone. I didn't even think to pray. I just panicked. Then, when I realized she was going to make it, I felt so much comfort. I knew the Lords hand was with us. We spent the remainder of the night at the hospital doing tests, making sure it didn't cause more damage. We were safe. Jason met me at the hospital. I felt safe. I was very grateful that night for 911. What would we do without them? I later found out that she was struggling when Ava checked on her. She mentioned that she was breathing different than normal. I don't know how long she was struggling, I don't want to know. Ava cried that night as we went to bed scared. I think it changed their relationship for the better. She has been different to her. Less than 2 weeks from her 8th birthday and I thought I lost my first born. I felt like the worst mom on the planet that night, I don't think I could have ever forgiven myself. The night she was born was replaying over and over again in my head. I bore my testimony in church today and told briefly what had happened. 2 different people came up to Jason after and told him they had a dream that she had passed that night. I will forever be grateful to my Heavenly Father for a second chance with this precious spirit that lightens up my day. She keeps me going and I love her more than anything. I believe things happen for a reason. I still haven't figured out what I'm suppose to learn from this accident. Maybe to not rely on my other children so much? I can't imagine one day without her. I love my Heavenly Father and I know he loves us. I feel it.

Farewell to our dear Prophet

Our prophet for the past 12 years has passed away this evening. He was such an insipiring prophet and always full of quick wit and humor. I have always loved to listen to his words of counsel and will keep them close to my heart! I am sure he is enjoying his reunion with his sweetheart wife, Marjorie. He has dedicated his life to our church and was such an amazing leader. We will forever miss you and cherish you always! We love you!