Big I

Although the last 8 weeks have brought many sleepless nights, mastitis, thrush, colds, emotion, lack of a clean house, newborn diapers everywhere and a big appetite, they have been such a blessing. After we lost our daughter it took me a while to get excited for this little guy. The moment I layed my eyes on him, I was hooked. Our Heavenly Father knows the beginning to the end. I know that more now than ever. My heart aches horribly and we are all trying to still get used to this new life but I feel a connection to Emmie when I look at this sweet boy. He has brought me so much joy. Plus, it certainly helps that he looks just like me!

This outfit he was wearing yesterday made me realize, I haven't blogged about him at all! Around our house he has a few nicknames already... Big I, Ivers, Bubba and Ted. Uncle Scott calls Elsie, Red Fred because of her red hair and now it's just Fred. Since we have another red head we asked him what Ivans name will be and he said Red Ted. We have nicknamed all their kids so now it's their turn. SCARY!!!!

Tender Mercies

I have been hesitant for this day for a few months. Every time I let my mind "go there", I would start to lose it. I didn't sleep at all the night before. I stayed up looking at pics of Em. All the thoughts of our annual birthday traditions were going through my head and I just couldn't believe she wasn't here. It felt so unfair. When we got up, Ava could tell I had a rough night and I was very sensitive while we read and prayed. As she was leaving for school she said, "so what are you going to do all day, sit home and cry?" I thought, "well that was rude." But honestly thought about it for a second and knew that Emmie wouldn't want me to be alone crying all day. Soon enough, a couple of my friends stopped by. I didn't have a choice. My sweet friend Shannon stayed to keep me company and help me get ready for the party that night. My sister in law Megan ran my errands so I could enjoy the day and didn't have to stress out... she was so thoughtful! I had so many people text, call, FB message me letting me know they were thinking of our family and praying for us. I definitely felt all the prayers and love. I felt like my Heavenly Father sent all these people to me that day to lift me up. It quickly went from sad to happy. It is truly amazing the way the Lord works and answers our prayers. My mom took the day off and came to the cemetery with us. It felt so nice to get through the day with so much support. I know without a doubt that Emmie was with us that night. It was so comforting. I miss her more than anything in this world. We just have to stay busy and live our lives so that we can be with her again. It seems so simple. I have a long ways to go and have so much to work on, but I am anxious for the day to be reunited with her. She is certainly a special little girl. I can only imagine the miraculous things she did in the pre- existence to be such a choice spirit. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to be her mother and share this earthly journey with her. There is nothing in the world like it.

Us at the cemetery with the Simas kids. J gave a beautiful prayer. It was so sweet to see how much her cousins miss her. Cooper couldn't stop crying. Tonight when we were at Peter Piper Pizza I was looking on Coops phone and his screen saver was a picture of Emmies grave. It melted my heart and I had to fight back the tears. I don't know very many teenagers who have such big hearts with so much emotion. I am grateful for all her cousins and how much love they showed towards her. I will forever be grateful for that. It is difficult to teach... it just came natural to them.

There were many flowers, cards and treats dropped off. I am eternally grateful to live in such an amazing area surrounded by so many good friends, ward members and family. It has truly made me want to be a better person and friend. I feel so blessed.

Doing another release at our house with ALL our family... so sweet. Can't wait for the Temple:)

We had a few people who didn't know us, contact some of my family and tell them they saw Emmies balloons in the sky that evening and said they knew they were for her and how sweet it was to see them. Truly amazing.

Coop, Tay and Austin

Audra and Megan helping out of course:)

Elle and Dad

Ava and Soph leading the music... they love to be center of attention!

Us

My dad giving the lesson to our children on how we are the beneficiaries of Emmie and how we need to live our lives in order to get back to our Heavenly Father and be with Emmie. I felt her so strong during this. I love my dad and am grateful he is so in tune with the spirit. He always know what to say:)

Cousins writing their little message to Em.

Thanks to my sister Tracey for allowing me to steal her pictures. She is always there to pick up all the pieces for me!

Happy Birthday Beautiful...

My dearest Emmie....

9 years ago today, you made me a mother. I was secretly so excited you were a girl. I wanted your dad to think I didn't care because he wanted a boy. You made so many of my dreams come true. You looked exactly how we had imagined. Dark hair, blue eyes and beautiful.

Over this last week, your dad and I have been watching family videos. We came across the one when we got our first video camera so we could video you as you entered this world. I was 8 months pregnant with you and we were bickering (imagine that) whether or not you would be a soccer star or a dancer. I dreamed of you dancing and cheering just like me and he envisioned you playing sports like him. He was acting like a commentator as he was saying your name scoring a goal. We both cried as we watched the video. We had no idea what type of life was ahead of us. We were young, naive, yet so happy. We thought our world was crushed the day you were born. What was suppose to be the happiest day turned out to be devastating for such a young couple. As time passed, this new life turned out to be one I can't explain. My thoughts quickly shifted from anger to feeling like the luckiest parents alive. We had a celestial little girl who never spoke a word yet touched us and others in so many ways. Not very many parents get the opportunity to raise a choice spirit. No star athlete or dancer could ever compare to what we had. You have made me the proudest mommy in the world. You accomplished so many things and touched so many lives in the past 9 years. Your smile would light up a room. My heart is still broken and I don't expect it to ever completely heal. I still cry myself to sleep and wake up sad. But, what I do know is that you are with our Heavenly Father and his son. You are with all our loved ones. That to me is so comforting. I am so grateful for the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. I know without a doubt that we will be reunited with you again. I know you are safe and you are being taken care of. As much as I mourn for you and miss you, I know you have work to do and that you are a busy little girl. I know the Lord has a plan and that we both accepted it. What a blessing you have been to me and your dad. You are such a strong little girl to come here to this earth and teach us for 8 1/2 years. What a sacrifice you have made. I know you have been watching over us and have been our administering angel. I have felt you many times since you have been gone. I still have to be a mom and put on a happy face for your sisters and brother. I am grateful that your brother was sent to me at this time. He has helped me so much and is such a sweetheart. Your sisters talk about you all the time and love you more than you can imagine. They watch all your videos and read your Strawberry Shortcake books on a daily basis. I bet you wish Ava did that while you were here. She is finally getting to be a good reader! Grandma Bella still cries when she comes over. You were such a big part of her life. She misses you so much but feels you are so happy.

You would normally be waking up this morning in our bed that would be decorated with streamers and balloons. Dad and I would be singing Happy Birthday to you as we showered you to get ready for school. I wish I was decorating tonight as you sleep. We have celebrated so many Strawberry Shortcake birthday parties with you. I know your not physically here but we will be celebrating another one tonight with all our extended family and doing a balloon release. I hope you know how much we love and miss you. I often think of the day we are reunited with you. It will be glorious.

Happy Birthday in Heaven my sweet angel, I love you more than you can imagine.....

With love,

Mom xoxo

Dad and Emmie

Emmie 7th Birthday

Emmie 2nd Birthday