My sweet cousin, Amanda.

This past Sunday night, I got a shocking call that brought me to my knees. It literally brought me back to this time last year when we lost our daughter. My sweet cousin, Amanda, was in a car accident that ended her life and her family will NEVER be the same. My heart aches for my Aunt Julia,Uncle Vic and cousins. It hurts to see someone you love be in so much pain. I know that our families are Eternal and am so grateful for the Plan of Salvation but the pain thats in a parents heart when they lose a child, never goes away. I don't know what to say that will help them, especially when I know it doesn't get easier. I really don't like when people say that time heals because it doesn't. It's the first thing you think of every morning when you awake. You just miss them dearly and want to hold them. So when I am trying to console my sweet Aunt and Uncle, I don't feel like my words are very comforting. All I can say to help is that, I am grateful for the Plan. It's the only thing that gives us hope. Life sometimes doesn't seem fair. I know without a doubt that we are given trials to learn, grow and progress in this life. Our Heavenly Father is there to comfort us if we turn to him. Our Savior has felt everything possible that we would ever have to endure. He has made it possible for us to return to him if we keep the commandments and live the Gospel. I know it doesn't make it easier because it's so painful. We have to have faith and trust the Lords will. They now have a special Angel watching over them, what a gift.  

Amanda with her 2 sisters, her brother not pictured.

I am grateful for the time I spent with Amanda growing up. She was one of my favorite cousins, we have so many great memories together. Her beautiful smile was infectious and her spirit was so warm. I rarely heard her say a negative thing about anyone and I loved that about her. She accomplished so many things in her 31 years. She traveled to more places than I could imagine.... and was truly a free spirit!

 Please pray for them as they are going through such a difficult time. I know how effective prayer can be. It brings a sense of peace and love to the heart. Life is so fragile.... we never know what tomorrow can bring. We truly have to cherish our relationships with one another and stay close to the Lord. That is what brings peace.

To read Amandas obituary click here.

Emmies 1st Anniversary

This past year has had so many ups and downs and I can't believe a year has passed since we have lost our sweet Emmie. Sometimes I feel like my head is down and I am just going through the motions of raising a family and all that comes with it. The moment I stop and ponder to think about life, I often cave. I don't know how I have survived this past year. We sure do miss our Emmie and life has not been the same since she has been gone. I will say that I know she is around and watches us often. I have had many tender mercies this past year and that is how I have survived it. I feel her and I know the Lord has his hand in our life, which I am more than grateful for. I do know that she is doing her work on the other side which leads me to the year anniversary and why it was such a special day!
My mom promised Emmie the day she passed away that she would get to the Temple to take out her endowments. What could have been a better way to spend our anniversary date than in the Temple?! I am so proud of my mom and all she has accomplished this past year. I am grateful for the temple and the peace I feel when I am there. I feel closer to the other side when I am there and it's such a special feeling after you have lost a loved one. I know Emmie was there and was so happy! The days I struggle, I quickly remind myself that Emmie is doing more on the other side than she could do here. I felt this to be true as I was sitting in the Temple next to my mother and sister. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the comfort the Plan of Salvation gives me. I know that my family can be together forever.  It is how I get through each day and night as I lay in bed thinking of the reunion we will have with Emmie one day. I am grateful that my children still feel her often. I know she doesn't want them to forget her. Our Heavenly Father and Savior love each one of us and care about the details in our life. I know this to be true more today than ever.

I am also grateful to my family and friends who helped make this day so special. It could have been a very difficult day, but turned out to be so special. I woke up to a letter from our dear friend Katie, who was Emmies nurse the last 2 days after we brought her home from the hospital. She shared some sacred moments with me, which has changed me. I am grateful for her and the love she had for us during the most sacred time in my life. My Bishop and his wife, my amazing friends, sisters and sister in laws stopped by to be by my side during the day. It felt like a little piece of heaven to me. I always have the best people looking after me, they have been my little angels! I am grateful to them for always being there for me:)

We did a balloon release after on the Temple grounds. I am excited about this tradition and grateful for family and friends to share it with:)

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Yep... Jasons tie says "Emmie". His brother gave it to him and he wears it on her birthday, Fathers day, and her Anniversary:) 

Nope... I'm not preggo! I've been stuffing my emotions where they shouldn't be!

Even Emmies teacher and aides came to be with us on this special day! So sweet.. love them.

Beautiful flowers that were sent and brought over!

Thanks Megan for Strawberry cake, just what I needed! 

My husband sent me these beautiful roses, so sweet:)

4 months.

Little Ivers.... you have been such a sweet tender mercy these past 4 months. I am grateful to call you my son. I love you more than you will ever know. Thanks for making me smile:)
Love,
Mommy

Elle Belle turns 3.

My dearest Elsie.....

Happy 3rd Birthday sweetheart. I can't even remember what life was like before you joined us. You have so many sweet, fun qualities that I adore. You always put a smile on our faces with your wit! You are full of "IT!" You keep us all laughing and there is always an "Elsie" story to tell the family. You are such a smart girl and it scares mommy sometimes because you want to grow up faster than I want.  You have your little birthday party planned out to the minute .... pretty good for a 3 year old!  All you want for your birthday is an iPod touch. I feel terrible that you aren't getting it but you will love spending the week in Cali with our little family and going to see Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Mom called Minnie the other day when you weren't being very good and she told you to be on your best behavior and you have. You are so excited to see her! I'm excited to see your eyes light up when you go to Mickey's Toontown. 

You have such a sweet relationship with Ava. Sometimes you think your the BIG sister! You desire for her approval and love to follow her and her friends around. They love you and accept you as part of their group because you are so fun and mature. Even when Ava isn't home, they still desire to play with you!

 You aren't quit sure about Ivan yet. I think he might have rained on your little parade but you seem to still run the household. We still fetch and tote for you. There is something special about you that we all love. You get asked about your RED hair everywhere we go and you LOVE it!!! I love you so much and are so grateful for you. You have helped mommy so much in the past 7 months. Whenever you see me sad or crying you ask me if it's Emmie? I reply, "yes." You always wrap your arms around me and tell me you love me as you wipe my tears. I couldn't ask for a better buddy to be by my side during these trying times. You make me smile daily. I love you my little RED head:)

Love, Mommy

Elle can't wait to celebrate her birthday next monday. This is her invitation Aunt Tracey made her to send out to her friends and family! 

Elsie is obsessed with having a "cherry" birthday party. I have tried to talk her out of this and to do something else with the farm animal theme because she is having a petting zoo at her party. She was insistent on the cherry theme. It dawned on me as I was driving the other day that she wants cherries because Em was obsessed with Strawberry and she wants her own thing! She was a hoot as I watched her design her little cake the other day and told the lady exactly what she wanted!!! She even picked out the flavors as she sampled them all! 

Ivan's Room

After we lost Emmie, I couldn't even comprehend the thought of bringing another baby into this world, let alone decorate a nursery for him.  I wanted an opinion on his room but couldn't get motivated to do it. So I called Kristin, whom I love... and had her help me with the details. I gave her a general idea of the colors scheme and style and she worked her magic from there. She is one talented girl! I'll take more pictures when it is done, but I am loving it so far. It helped pacify my time until I met my new son, which has been a sweet journey for me.

Look who loves cartoons.....

...and I couldn't be more thrilled! My youngest girls have never fallen for my TV trick (you know the hour in the morning that helps mom to get some stuff done.) They both have always followed me around stuck to my leg like glue. Emmie LOVED LOVED LOVED strawberry and we think Ivan may be the same way with TV. Let's hope it sticks! Mom needs all the extra time she can get! :)

Happy "Love" Day

Definition of love is spelled: TIME

I can't remember the General Authority that stated that, but it has always stuck with me. I have always loved Valentines Day. Not only for expressing my love towards my wonderful husband, but for my children as well. They love this holiday and so do I! They are so excited to wake up to heart pancakes. Elle claims Santa is bringing her a gift. Nope.... just a little something from mom and dad! I love that my kids are excited for J and I to exchange our gifts and have our family candle light dinner. Watching Ava this past week as she made her mailbox for all her valentines to enter and watching the joy on her face as she writes each one of her valentines, brings me joy. She is so excited to give them to all her friends at school.

I have always looked forward to Emmies school party, on this particular day. Mrs. Stephanie and Grandma always did such a wonderful job making these sweet kiddos feel so special and loved. I have always taken Ava out of school to go to Emmies class and participate in her fun parties. They are always the BEST. This year is going to be different and I am sad about it. We always spent so much TIME with Emmie. I never once got frustrated or angry towards her and maybe thats one of the reasons she's so special to me. You could feel her love when she was in the room. It would radiate. I want her to know how much I love and miss her on this LOVE day! She is our families one "true love."

Em being gone has put life in more perspective for me. I need to do better with my kiddos that are here and spend more TIME with them. We get so caught up with extra curricular activities, work, church callings, spending time with friends and extended family that sometimes we forget that the people that live within the walls of our home need more time with mom and dad. Life passes by too fast and it's easy to let the small things slip away. I learned from Emmie that I didn't need to buy her one thing. All she wanted from us was time. I'm so grateful I gave her that. You can never get yesterday back, so today I'm going to tell my family how much I love them and hug them a little longer.... Hope everyone has a great love day and gets to spend time with their loved ones! XOXO

These two are best buddies. It's so fun to watch how close they have become. There is nothing like a sister! Ava is so giving.. she wants to give Elle her old ipod for Valentines! I don't think Elsie is quite responsible yet! Ava would die if she knew Elle was getting ready to give Ava's new ipod touch a bath in the sink, while she was at school the other day!!

Elle of course would not cooperate after church today. She has been a little pill for me! Thanks goodness she is so cute!!

I love this girl... she is so good to me!

We watched a movie and popped popcorn tonight. While I was cleaning up my hubby decided to give our 12 week old son popcorn and claims he loved it. Nice!!

Have I mentioned how much I love this little guy?!

Our little man

I have so much to post about.... but lately I have been taking care of this sweet boy who has a cold.....

Don't you love all the build a bear accessories? They are perfect for our little man!

Big I

Although the last 8 weeks have brought many sleepless nights, mastitis, thrush, colds, emotion, lack of a clean house, newborn diapers everywhere and a big appetite, they have been such a blessing. After we lost our daughter it took me a while to get excited for this little guy. The moment I layed my eyes on him, I was hooked. Our Heavenly Father knows the beginning to the end. I know that more now than ever. My heart aches horribly and we are all trying to still get used to this new life but I feel a connection to Emmie when I look at this sweet boy. He has brought me so much joy. Plus, it certainly helps that he looks just like me!

This outfit he was wearing yesterday made me realize, I haven't blogged about him at all! Around our house he has a few nicknames already... Big I, Ivers, Bubba and Ted. Uncle Scott calls Elsie, Red Fred because of her red hair and now it's just Fred. Since we have another red head we asked him what Ivans name will be and he said Red Ted. We have nicknamed all their kids so now it's their turn. SCARY!!!!

Tender Mercies

I have been hesitant for this day for a few months. Every time I let my mind "go there", I would start to lose it. I didn't sleep at all the night before. I stayed up looking at pics of Em. All the thoughts of our annual birthday traditions were going through my head and I just couldn't believe she wasn't here. It felt so unfair. When we got up, Ava could tell I had a rough night and I was very sensitive while we read and prayed. As she was leaving for school she said, "so what are you going to do all day, sit home and cry?" I thought, "well that was rude." But honestly thought about it for a second and knew that Emmie wouldn't want me to be alone crying all day. Soon enough, a couple of my friends stopped by. I didn't have a choice. My sweet friend Shannon stayed to keep me company and help me get ready for the party that night. My sister in law Megan ran my errands so I could enjoy the day and didn't have to stress out... she was so thoughtful! I had so many people text, call, FB message me letting me know they were thinking of our family and praying for us. I definitely felt all the prayers and love. I felt like my Heavenly Father sent all these people to me that day to lift me up. It quickly went from sad to happy. It is truly amazing the way the Lord works and answers our prayers. My mom took the day off and came to the cemetery with us. It felt so nice to get through the day with so much support. I know without a doubt that Emmie was with us that night. It was so comforting. I miss her more than anything in this world. We just have to stay busy and live our lives so that we can be with her again. It seems so simple. I have a long ways to go and have so much to work on, but I am anxious for the day to be reunited with her. She is certainly a special little girl. I can only imagine the miraculous things she did in the pre- existence to be such a choice spirit. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to be her mother and share this earthly journey with her. There is nothing in the world like it.

Us at the cemetery with the Simas kids. J gave a beautiful prayer. It was so sweet to see how much her cousins miss her. Cooper couldn't stop crying. Tonight when we were at Peter Piper Pizza I was looking on Coops phone and his screen saver was a picture of Emmies grave. It melted my heart and I had to fight back the tears. I don't know very many teenagers who have such big hearts with so much emotion. I am grateful for all her cousins and how much love they showed towards her. I will forever be grateful for that. It is difficult to teach... it just came natural to them.

There were many flowers, cards and treats dropped off. I am eternally grateful to live in such an amazing area surrounded by so many good friends, ward members and family. It has truly made me want to be a better person and friend. I feel so blessed.

Doing another release at our house with ALL our family... so sweet. Can't wait for the Temple:)

We had a few people who didn't know us, contact some of my family and tell them they saw Emmies balloons in the sky that evening and said they knew they were for her and how sweet it was to see them. Truly amazing.

Coop, Tay and Austin

Audra and Megan helping out of course:)

Elle and Dad

Ava and Soph leading the music... they love to be center of attention!

Us

My dad giving the lesson to our children on how we are the beneficiaries of Emmie and how we need to live our lives in order to get back to our Heavenly Father and be with Emmie. I felt her so strong during this. I love my dad and am grateful he is so in tune with the spirit. He always know what to say:)

Cousins writing their little message to Em.

Thanks to my sister Tracey for allowing me to steal her pictures. She is always there to pick up all the pieces for me!