The little things

I have been trying to get back to doing some little things that I love

Baking...

(Don't be jealous of my pregnant body! Pretty soon we might have to get some extensions on those ties.)

with my sweet Elsie

Anybody want a cookie from the Check home?!

J claims she runs the show at our house lately.. I think he is right. She does what she wants and gets away with whatever!

I really don't let her do this until the very end. Isn't she cute?!

Did I mention I have some great friends and a fun sister who always keep me going with baking? It makes it so much more fun when there are fun people to hang out with and talk to! If it weren't for my sister, I wouldn't have any pictures of my children! Thanks Trace... your the best!

Missing her

Mornings like this morning... I want to drink my daily sonic diet DP and go back to bed. I don't know what sets me off some mornings. After family prayer this morning, I struggled to get Ava ready and out the door. I don't like when my girls see me cry. But today, I couldn't contain myself. They are the sweetest girls I know. Always going out of their way making me feel better. I heard Elsie running in the kitchen to tell J, "mom is crying, hurry and come." It melted my heart. My family is the greatest, they have helped me gain strength. I just miss her. I don't know how people cope when they lose a child or loved one and don't have a spouse or other kids to pick them up. I am thankful everyday for my sweet family and their strength. They have truly taught me how to be more sympathetic (which I need).

I started my baby's nursery yesterday and all of a sudden, it felt real. I am really having a baby in just 7 short weeks. Wow... I have so much to do. I think the Lord knew I might need a special little guy to help lift me up. Although these two girlie's and my sweet husband have done an amazing job... I am so excited to hold my little guy!

(picture taken in Colorado... I have so much to update about!)

Sympathy

I have always struggled with having sympathy for my "typical" children while they are sick. Jason reminds me often when they aren't feeling well that, "you can tell they aren't Emmie!" She got the royal treatment when she was sick. Because when she was sick... she was on the verge of being admitted to the hospital. Well...both my girls have been sick with a cough for the last week. No fever, just a constant annoying dry cough. I keep telling J.. "it's viral and it will run it's course." You see... I have a sense when it's viral vs. bacterial because I have been through this with Emmie more times than I can count. J has been bugging me to take the girls to the Dr. all week last week so we can all get some sleep! Finally this morning, I gave in. When I walked in to the Dr. office I knew why I was trying to put this "first" on the back burner. As soon as I saw our Doctor my eyes filled up with tears. They have been such a great support to me over the last 8 years with Emmie. They ask me what I need and the quantity etc. I tell them and they write the prescription. I had his cell number on speed dial. They know that mom knows best with a special needs child. With my other children it is different. They take charge. It was a relationship that I can't describe but I know I will miss it. Yes, I will still see them when I take my other kids in but it's just different. I was right though.... it was viral! Just the typical breathing treatments, cough medicine and "it has to run it's course" saga. I figured but I just needed to please my hubby! I need to work on having some sympathy for my other kids now that Emmie isn't with is. It was good to get that "first" over with. A hard one I might add.... because they were so kind to Emmie. They truly loved her and sent the most beautiful flowers when they heard the news. I have established some amazing relationships through Emmie. Ones I have been missing so much but am grateful to have had them.

The Testament

My little sister Ashlyn called the other day and planned for our entire family to go see The Testament, a movie shown at the visitors center at the Mesa Arizona Temple. We all went as a family for FHE. To say it was amazing would be an understatement. With everything I have gone through over the last month I felt that this movie was made just for me. Ava didn't move the entire time. She definitely felt the spirit.... It was so sweet. The story is told about the Nephites in the Book of Mormon who for the most part have become wicked. There were only a few that were willing to stand up for what is right. They were told by a prophet that the Savior was born and that a sign would be given of his death. He would later be killed for telling the people to repent of their wickedness. This evil continued on for many years . During this time of wickedness on the promise land there were few that were willing to stand up for what was right. The righteous followers of Christ became the minority and it was very diffcult for them to openly be Christians. The greatest parts of this movie were when they would show the Saviors back amongst the Jews performing all kinds of miracles. Several stood out to me, but one in particular brought peace to me. It was when a young boy who appeared to have cerebral palsy was carried before the Savior, the same way Jason carried Emmie when she was not in her wheelchair. I sat and watched in as the Savior performed a miraculous miracle. He took the young boy in his arms and held him close and whispered in his ear. Instantly the young boy was healed. It was at that moment when Jason reached over and grabbed my hand. His timing was right in sync with mine. Almost instantly the tears started to roll down my face. We both felt the spirit so strong. Our hope was in the Savior and we knew that he was the only one that could help raise up our daughter. It made me think about the painting Jason had painted for me by an artist in Mesa when Emmie was 3 yrs old. It was of Emmie and I sitting on the steps of the temple with the Savior. In this painting I am sitting down with Emmie, she is partially facing the Savior and he has his hand extended to Emmies, helping her up. She is standing there on her own because of her faith she has in Christ. This picture is hanging in my living room and has so much meaning to me... especially now. I know the Savior has made my sweet angel Emmie whole. Later the movie showed another special scene in the Saviors life. It was in the Garden of Gethsemane where he atoned for all of our sins. He said , "Oh father please let this cup pass from before me, but nevertheless not my will by thine be done." Then the Savior went on to be alone and suffered all things for all of us. As they showed the anguish he had to endure I found myself thinking about how much he means to me. I wondered why someone would endure such pain for another human being. I felt unworthy of being a recipient of such a great gift of salvation. I then started to think about Heavenly Father. Why would he allow such a thing to happen? His own son... I could never stand by and watch as my child was tortured. I know the Plan of Salvation, but why was I questioning Heavenly Father in this instance. He being God could have intervened and saved his Son. I felt like I wanted to save Him, the way I longed to save my daughter. Then it became clear that he suffered these things to satisfy the law. His Son was the ransom, the price to be paid so all of his children could return. He did it because he loved all of his children. Then I realized that I had something in common with Heavenly Father, I realized he has felt this very pain that I am going through now. I am not alone and he mourned for his son the same way that I mourn for Emmie. This brought me so much comfort. I felt at peace.

The last part of the movie is after the Savior is crucified and gives up the Ghost. He appears to the Nephite survivors in the promise land of America. It is here where he establishes his church. The last scene shows a most glorius Savior, dressed in a brilliant white robe. His countenance was bright, and he was full of love. You could see it and it made me want to be better. I found myself hoping for more time, to make a difference on this earth. I know that one day I will stand before him and I will either feel ashamed or proud how I served him diligently on this earth. I loved the way I felt as I watched how pure he was. It is hard to explain, but all I can say... is that I felt like I knew him very well. It was the perfect night.

Tender Mercy

(Thanks for the photo Trac.. your the best!)

This little girl has been such a sweetheart. She seems to always keep us laughing and on our toes! She goes by a different name daily. It's either Annie, Fred or Strawberry. Sometimes it's Elsie but most of the time it's Annie. She has an imagination like no other but is so sweet and kind. Every time she sees me crying, she holds my face and says, "Emmie?" I say, "yes" she replies "it's ok mom... I miss Emmie too." What a sweet little girl to always be so concerned about her mom. She is so nurturing and will one day become a great mom!

We (my girls and I) were in the shower tonight and she out of the blue says, "hi Em!" I asked her where Emmie is and she says, "she's right there mom" as she was pointing up. I'm not sure what she saw but it was a tender mercy again for me. The Lord knows when I am in need of a "special moment" and he has certainly delivered some this past week that are too personal to share on my blog. I have felt his love... it's amazing!

Equipment

Preferred Homecare (the company who delivered Emmies medical supplies on a monthly basis) had been calling to set up her monthly delivery since the day of her funeral. I avoided the call for over a week because I didn't have the courage to tell them she had passed. That just seems so odd to say to someone about your child. Finally a couple weeks later, I was strong. I answered the call and told them. They showed up today to pick up all of her equipment without any notice. My eyes filled with tears when I saw them through the glass door. Don't you think they should schedule appointments like this after a child has passed away? If I would have known they were coming, I would have made sure my husband was there to help walk me through it. I didn't want to do it alone. I told them to call me in a few weeks and I shut the door on this poor man. I feel bad, but I'm not ready for that. I like looking at all her "stuff." It feels wrong to have it gone. Faith, Prayers and Time!

movies

{Post Written: August 28, 2010}

Tonight we went to the movies. Another first. Em loved the movies. She loved the volume loud and the huge screen. We always sat in the handicapped seat, of course. Tonight was a first. We sat behind the handicapped seat and of course I left crying envisioning Emmie sitting next to me or J.... Us lifting her head up, making sure she was warm with all the blankets I would bring and her laughing at the screen. I brought blankets for my other two lastnight. Of course, we felt her sweet spirit missing again. We then walked FAR away to our parking spot because we weren't parked in handicapped anymore, another reminder she wasn't there. Our two girls got in and as we drove away our girls have been fighting like no other, just like normal kids. We have a new seating arrangement in our car which has been difficult. Ava now sits in Emmies bucket seat next to Elsie. The two go at it and tears are rolling down my face again. My husband asks me if I'm ok and of course I'm not! I just realized why there has always been so much peace in my car. Nobody fought with Emmie, who sat next to Elsie. Ava used to sit in the 3rd row and the car rides were always so peaceful. Strawberry Shortcake was ALWAYS blaring. Nothing else was ever allowed to enter our DVD player. Sad, I know, but it's just the way it was. We came in the door and I would always hold the door for J as he would bring Emmie in. Another change. It's just all so strange. I am trying to get used to my new life as a "typical" mother, but it is far from easy. I miss being a "special needs" mom. I had to learn that first and it's been that way as long as I have been a mom. I am grateful for the conversation that Jason and I had as we went to bed talking about Emmie. Where she is and what she is doing. It's the only thing that can comfort me at this time. I know she wants me to be happy but it is so hard when you have a broken heart and you miss someone this much. The firsts for everything have been difficult, but I know I have the strength to get through it.

Sisters

Yesterday my girls and I were driving in the car by ourselves. We have Emmies video playing in our car in place of Strawberry Shortcake. I don't want Elsie to forget her. I know their relationship will fade as Elle grows up so I am grateful for videos and pictures to help keep them alive. My conversation with Ava struck a core with me as they were watching her video.

Ava: Mom... I really miss Emmie's smile and how she would stick her tongue out.

Mom: I know, it was the cutest thing ever, I miss it too.

Ava: How come when I stick mine out it's not cute?

Mom: I'm not sure babe, but Emmie just had a way that everything she did was so sweet and innocent. (I thought it was funny that she had tried to do the same as Em to see what she looked like)

Ava: I know... I miss her mom.

Mom: Me too.... more than you will know! What do you miss most about Em?

Ava: I miss getting you trachs and diapers, massaging her feet, brushing her hair. I miss helping her lift her head up and wiping her mouth. I really wish she didn't want to go back to Heavenly Father. I want her to stay with us.

Mom:(tears flowing down my face) I'm so sorry you lost your sister sweetie. I want you to know you WILL see her again and it will be a glorious reunion.

Ava: I am so sorry you lost your daughter. I feel so bad for you.

This conversation brought tears to my eyes for many reasons. I think what Ava was trying to say was that she misses serving her sister. She truly loves her sister more than anything and misses "helping/ serving" her. I don't ever think I could ever teach my 7 year old out of a book or lesson plan on how to have the "pure love of christ" and how to serve someone the way she has for 7 yrs. Only Emmie could come to this earth and teach her that precious lesson. I am beyond grateful for the relationship they have with one another. Not very many children have the opportunity to have a sweet little angel live in their home and help care for them. Sometimes I would feel sorry for Ava because I felt like I put so much pressure on her to do this and that for Emmie. She never complained, not once! I felt bad that she didn't have the "typical" sister relationship that I have with my sister. I felt like she got robbed before Elsie came along. Now looking back, I am so grateful she had the opportunity to serve Emmie. Not very many children get to do that for a sister who never plays or speaks to them. It really is a gift and I feel Heavenly Father blessed us beyond measures to have this life. It was such a different life that I can't really explain but I know I miss it more than anything. Life was definitely more challenging and it felt unfair at times but I wouldn't trade one thing about it. I am grateful for sisters. We all knew how much Emmie loved her sisters through her eyes and the way she would look at them. Ava has been praying about the day she is reunited with Emmie. She had a melt down tonight after her prayers and felt guilty for not scratching Emmie's back the night before she passed. I told her how grateful Emmie was for all the nights she "did" scratch her back and one day she will repay her. It will feel so good be the recipient of Emmie's hugs. I know we are all looking forward to it. I hope I can do my part here and raise my other children so we can all return to be in our Heavenly Fathers presence with our sweet Em~Bug. That will be an amazing day for me. I love and miss her more than anything and I hope time goes by quickly.