{Post Written: August 28, 2010}
Tonight we went to the movies. Another first. Em loved the movies. She loved the volume loud and the huge screen. We always sat in the handicapped seat, of course. Tonight was a first. We sat behind the handicapped seat and of course I left crying envisioning Emmie sitting next to me or J.... Us lifting her head up, making sure she was warm with all the blankets I would bring and her laughing at the screen. I brought blankets for my other two lastnight. Of course, we felt her sweet spirit missing again. We then walked FAR away to our parking spot because we weren't parked in handicapped anymore, another reminder she wasn't there. Our two girls got in and as we drove away our girls have been fighting like no other, just like normal kids. We have a new seating arrangement in our car which has been difficult. Ava now sits in Emmies bucket seat next to Elsie. The two go at it and tears are rolling down my face again. My husband asks me if I'm ok and of course I'm not! I just realized why there has always been so much peace in my car. Nobody fought with Emmie, who sat next to Elsie. Ava used to sit in the 3rd row and the car rides were always so peaceful. Strawberry Shortcake was ALWAYS blaring. Nothing else was ever allowed to enter our DVD player. Sad, I know, but it's just the way it was. We came in the door and I would always hold the door for J as he would bring Emmie in. Another change. It's just all so strange. I am trying to get used to my new life as a "typical" mother, but it is far from easy. I miss being a "special needs" mom. I had to learn that first and it's been that way as long as I have been a mom. I am grateful for the conversation that Jason and I had as we went to bed talking about Emmie. Where she is and what she is doing. It's the only thing that can comfort me at this time. I know she wants me to be happy but it is so hard when you have a broken heart and you miss someone this much. The firsts for everything have been difficult, but I know I have the strength to get through it.
4 comments:
Tiffany, you make me want to be a better Mum. xoxo
my thoughts and prayers are always with you.
Tiffany - tears are running down my face, my heart so hurts for you. Being a special needs mom myself your words ring so true. I can not even begin to imagine all the little things I would miss...like the presence of Adam's special needs car seat in the van and needing to park in handicapped...all the ins and outs of having a wheelchair and who knows what else equipment wise in your house. All of those things brought their own pain when they had to enter our house but you get so used to it and all that stuff becomes part of who you are and who your child is...the readjustment has to be almost unbearable. Funny that others might thing those are things you wouldn't miss...I understand though, although I can not imagine the pain of it all. My prayers are with you. Thanks for sharing with all of us.
praying for you through this transition
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