Equipment

Preferred Homecare (the company who delivered Emmies medical supplies on a monthly basis) had been calling to set up her monthly delivery since the day of her funeral. I avoided the call for over a week because I didn't have the courage to tell them she had passed. That just seems so odd to say to someone about your child. Finally a couple weeks later, I was strong. I answered the call and told them. They showed up today to pick up all of her equipment without any notice. My eyes filled with tears when I saw them through the glass door. Don't you think they should schedule appointments like this after a child has passed away? If I would have known they were coming, I would have made sure my husband was there to help walk me through it. I didn't want to do it alone. I told them to call me in a few weeks and I shut the door on this poor man. I feel bad, but I'm not ready for that. I like looking at all her "stuff." It feels wrong to have it gone. Faith, Prayers and Time!

movies

{Post Written: August 28, 2010}

Tonight we went to the movies. Another first. Em loved the movies. She loved the volume loud and the huge screen. We always sat in the handicapped seat, of course. Tonight was a first. We sat behind the handicapped seat and of course I left crying envisioning Emmie sitting next to me or J.... Us lifting her head up, making sure she was warm with all the blankets I would bring and her laughing at the screen. I brought blankets for my other two lastnight. Of course, we felt her sweet spirit missing again. We then walked FAR away to our parking spot because we weren't parked in handicapped anymore, another reminder she wasn't there. Our two girls got in and as we drove away our girls have been fighting like no other, just like normal kids. We have a new seating arrangement in our car which has been difficult. Ava now sits in Emmies bucket seat next to Elsie. The two go at it and tears are rolling down my face again. My husband asks me if I'm ok and of course I'm not! I just realized why there has always been so much peace in my car. Nobody fought with Emmie, who sat next to Elsie. Ava used to sit in the 3rd row and the car rides were always so peaceful. Strawberry Shortcake was ALWAYS blaring. Nothing else was ever allowed to enter our DVD player. Sad, I know, but it's just the way it was. We came in the door and I would always hold the door for J as he would bring Emmie in. Another change. It's just all so strange. I am trying to get used to my new life as a "typical" mother, but it is far from easy. I miss being a "special needs" mom. I had to learn that first and it's been that way as long as I have been a mom. I am grateful for the conversation that Jason and I had as we went to bed talking about Emmie. Where she is and what she is doing. It's the only thing that can comfort me at this time. I know she wants me to be happy but it is so hard when you have a broken heart and you miss someone this much. The firsts for everything have been difficult, but I know I have the strength to get through it.

Sisters

Yesterday my girls and I were driving in the car by ourselves. We have Emmies video playing in our car in place of Strawberry Shortcake. I don't want Elsie to forget her. I know their relationship will fade as Elle grows up so I am grateful for videos and pictures to help keep them alive. My conversation with Ava struck a core with me as they were watching her video.

Ava: Mom... I really miss Emmie's smile and how she would stick her tongue out.

Mom: I know, it was the cutest thing ever, I miss it too.

Ava: How come when I stick mine out it's not cute?

Mom: I'm not sure babe, but Emmie just had a way that everything she did was so sweet and innocent. (I thought it was funny that she had tried to do the same as Em to see what she looked like)

Ava: I know... I miss her mom.

Mom: Me too.... more than you will know! What do you miss most about Em?

Ava: I miss getting you trachs and diapers, massaging her feet, brushing her hair. I miss helping her lift her head up and wiping her mouth. I really wish she didn't want to go back to Heavenly Father. I want her to stay with us.

Mom:(tears flowing down my face) I'm so sorry you lost your sister sweetie. I want you to know you WILL see her again and it will be a glorious reunion.

Ava: I am so sorry you lost your daughter. I feel so bad for you.

This conversation brought tears to my eyes for many reasons. I think what Ava was trying to say was that she misses serving her sister. She truly loves her sister more than anything and misses "helping/ serving" her. I don't ever think I could ever teach my 7 year old out of a book or lesson plan on how to have the "pure love of christ" and how to serve someone the way she has for 7 yrs. Only Emmie could come to this earth and teach her that precious lesson. I am beyond grateful for the relationship they have with one another. Not very many children have the opportunity to have a sweet little angel live in their home and help care for them. Sometimes I would feel sorry for Ava because I felt like I put so much pressure on her to do this and that for Emmie. She never complained, not once! I felt bad that she didn't have the "typical" sister relationship that I have with my sister. I felt like she got robbed before Elsie came along. Now looking back, I am so grateful she had the opportunity to serve Emmie. Not very many children get to do that for a sister who never plays or speaks to them. It really is a gift and I feel Heavenly Father blessed us beyond measures to have this life. It was such a different life that I can't really explain but I know I miss it more than anything. Life was definitely more challenging and it felt unfair at times but I wouldn't trade one thing about it. I am grateful for sisters. We all knew how much Emmie loved her sisters through her eyes and the way she would look at them. Ava has been praying about the day she is reunited with Emmie. She had a melt down tonight after her prayers and felt guilty for not scratching Emmie's back the night before she passed. I told her how grateful Emmie was for all the nights she "did" scratch her back and one day she will repay her. It will feel so good be the recipient of Emmie's hugs. I know we are all looking forward to it. I hope I can do my part here and raise my other children so we can all return to be in our Heavenly Fathers presence with our sweet Em~Bug. That will be an amazing day for me. I love and miss her more than anything and I hope time goes by quickly.

"Our" first day of school

Our first day of school was not what I had expected. Emmie sitting in her wheelchair with Avas arm around the chair and Elsie sitting on Emmies lap was what I envisioned. I was crying all morning trying to stay strong for Ava. She didn't need any added stress to her day. They have been 1 year apart in school growing up, so Ava has been in all of Emmie's first day back to school pictures. These changes will not be easy but I know I have to get used to them.
Ava has had a difficult beginning this year. I am praying it gets easier as the weeks go on. Prior to all that has been going on, we decided for Ava to do 1st grade again this year. She is one of the youngest for her grade and I am so glad I made the right decision for her. Most of her friends from our ward/ neighborhood are in 1st grade so she is happy as can be!
Elsie started pre-preschool this year with her friend Crew. They are so stinkin cute together. She wasn't very excited about the backpack and going to preschool but I know she will adjust soon. She had been with friends and family so much during Emmies hospital stay it has been hard for her to separate from me. I am so grateful for friends and family who have helped us during these difficult times. I know my children have more than felt the love from others when I couldn't be there and I am so grateful for that.

1st grade!

Love this girl and am so grateful for her obedience!

Elsie wasn't liking the idea of preschool. She had been neglected by me for 10 days so it was difficult to send her off. My sweet friend Shannon took her to her first day of school since I was busy getting things finalized at the mortuary and cemetery. It wasn't the best feeling but I knew my girls were ready for some normalcy in their life!

This is pretty much how I was feeling too!

The egg burrito (her favorite) that dad had made, wasn't helping!

Goodness gracious... I love this girl! She is wearing what Emmie wore to preschool. Love those hand me downs. Emmie kept them in "perfect" condition!

Hope everyone had a better first day of school than we did! Life will get easier... I know it!

Words of Comfort

This is Tracey, Tiffany's sister. 

 Jason emailed me this letter tonight and asked me if I would please put it on her blog.  He doesn't know how to work all this blog stuff (and as a matter of fact, I don't know if he has ever even looked at either of our blogs), so I am his errand girl! 

Tiff is so blessed to have such a sweet and supportive husband.  This letter brought tears to my eyes. They truly have an amazing relationship and if anyone would know what the real deal is... it would be me!  

Words Of Comfort

My Sweetheart Tiffany,

I am so sorry I have no words of comfort for you in this most trying time.  I can’t explain to you how helpless I feel at this time as I watch you mourn for the loss of our daughter.  I feel that I am usually capable of fixing our problems as they pour in, or at the very least providing you comfort.  Tonight I felt the same way as you as we went through our normal family home evening.  I confess, I found myself glancing down on the floor looking for Emmie.  I confess, I found myself looking for her to lead the music during the opening song. I confess, that I know now we are missing a spirit in our home and it hurts beyond words.  I am so sorry that I cannot find words of comfort for you.

I have never felt so helpless in my life.  Tonight as we watched Emmie’s video I felt her sweet spirit partially restored for a moment.  For a short time as we both sat there crying I felt connected to you both again and longed for that moment to freeze in time and to be set aside to provide comfort as long as we needed it.  What a sweet moment that was and again I am left alone with out comfort.  I wish the words of the Atonement and the Plan of Salvation continued to ease your pain, but I know that although we are strengthened and comforted in those principles of faith they alone cant replace the comfort of our daughter.

After family home evening tonight I decided to go for a run so I could clear my mind and find strength for you.  While I jogged around the neighborhood I searched my mind for words of comfort that maybe I have not yet spoken to you, but soon realized that I have said just about everything I know of.  So I started to listen to some conference talks from April.  One was on healing the Sick, which may be a little late.  Actually I read it in the hospital and it helped my understanding greatly.  Especially towards the end when Elder Oaks speaks of the Lords Will.  I know we have spoke of this together and have an understanding that Heavenly Father is in charge and has something else in mind.  So, while those words provided me comfort I did realize that they probably were not what you were looking for tonight.  The next talk I listened to was by President Uchtdorf, continue in patience.  I thought to myself for a second this is probably not a good one to talk with her about either.  How could I go to you and say, “Hon, have patience because you will see her again.”  So I thought to myself, forget that, but I decided to listen to it anyway.  And while I listened I found that this talk is very comforting and may be something you should hear.  He described Patience as-“the ability to put our desires on hold for a time, is a precious and rare virtue.  We want what we want and we want it now.  Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.”  He goes on to say,” Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect.  Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace.”

“Patience means active waiting and enduring.  It means staying with something and doing all that we can-working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed.  Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well.”

I know telling you to have patience and wait is not going to help, but I wanted to tell you that these words lifted my Spirits for some reason.  I think it’s the part where he says,”it means staying with something (Emmie) and doing all that we can-working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship (missing Emmie) with fortitude (mental and emotional strength in difficulty) even when the desires of our hearts are delayed (being with our little angel Emmie). 

Later tonight I asked you what I can do to help you and you told me,”Bring back my daughter.”  If I could take away the pain I would gladly.  I know your heart is broken and it will be forever.  So, here are my words of comfort.  I Love you.  I love you more than I can love anything.  I have never been so close to you and the very thought of your heart being broken, breaks mine. I don’t understand either why she is gone, but I do know that I am grateful for the time and experience we shared with her for the last 8 ½ years.  What a remarkable time with a remarkable young girl.  I can’t help but to feel proud to have been chosen for such a great responsibility and experience.  I probably was not chosen, it was probably just you and I got to go along for the ride.  For that I am grateful.  I know you must have done something special in the pre-existence to earn the privilege of serving a choice spirit.  Remember what President Riggs told you,” She chose you.”  Tiffany I believe that with all my heart and know that your spirits are connected and forever will be.  Her presence may be gone from us, but her spirit is still around us.  Reach out to her and listen.  She never spoke one word to you, but some how you always knew when she needed something.  Her Spirit always spoke to you, and she still will if you pause and listen.  I love you and I am so incredibly blessed to have 4 beautiful women in my life.  I forever am indebted for the amount of blessings I have in my life.  Most importantly you.  I knew there was something special about you the moment I laid eyes on you in music class back in the 6 th grade.  Thank you for never giving up on me and making all my dreams come true!

Love,

Jason

Hard Night

 It's been a hard night. We began our new routine today. Ava started school and dance, Elsies first day of preschool. I should be excited right? Not really. The reality when I went upstairs to get Avas clothes (Ava and Emmie share the same closet) layed out kinda hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. No bus came at 8:15. Family scriptures and prayer just wasn't the same without my Em bug there. No strawberry shortcake playing on the kitchen tv as I was getting lunches and bags packed. After the girls were off to school I got the remainder of the stuff wrapped up at the mortuary with my hubby, mom and dad. It was nice to have closure in that area but it hit me very hard. Now the reality of life going on and my heart trying to heal. I don't think it ever will but J gave me a book that I started reading tonight. Here are couple quotes from some prophets that helped me.




In the resurrection the spirit will re-enter it's body, which initially will be in exactly the same state as when the spirit left it. Bodies that were sick, infirm or deformed will then be restored to heath and perfection, apparently almost instantly– as Amulek says, to a "proper and perfect frame." (Alma 11:43.) Nor will age at time of death determine a resurrected being's appearance. President Joseph Fielding Smith said:


Old people will not look old when the come forth from the grave. Scars will be removed. No one will be bent or wrinkled.... Of course, children who die do not grow in the grave. They will come forth with their bodies as they were laid down, and then they will grow to the full stature of manhood or womanhood after the resurrection, but all will have their bodies fully restored. 


Thus we know that those who lose little children and are worthy will not only be reunited with them but will have the blessing and opportunity of raising them in the glorious circumstances of the resurrection. Joseph Smith gave total assurance regarding the place of small children who die.


The lord takes many away, even in infancy that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of the present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.

How nice to know that I get Emmie back at the age of 8 1/2 and have the opportunity to raise her. That is such a miraculous gift. What a sweet promise. I am grateful for that knowledge to know if I do my part, I get to be with her again. I know I will have tough days ahead but with reading, praying and searching my scriptures, I will endure.

Today was Perfect!

Today was perfect. I felt the spirit so strong as I walked into the stake center. I knew Emmie was with us. I am going to miss her more than anything in this world. I would give up everything to have her for another year. She was such a happy little girl with a smile that could light up a room. I will miss her sweet spirit that has presided in our home over the last 8 1/2 years. It is a feeling of comfort that I can't explain. We definitely feel a sense of emptiness in our home now. My husband and I were truly honored to be able to stand as witnesses and testify of the wonderful experiences we were able to share with Emmie throughout her life. We could have talked for hours about her and how sweet she was. The entire day was perfect. We felt the love of others around us and felt like Heavenly Father was carrying us. It was so comforting. I can't begin to explain how truly grateful we are for the amount of people that came to support us and Emmie. We were overwhelmed and truly amazed by the amount of service that was dedicated to our family over the 10 days. Your prayers, kind words and thoughts have reached our home and it is a miracle in itself to be on the receiving end of something so wonderful as this. Thank you, thank you for the bottom of our hearts. I have felt so lifted and so much closer to my Heavenly Father. I feel his love... I really do. I look forward to the day I am reunited with my precious Emmie.

(Here are a couple pictures that my friend Kristyn has taken during this difficult time in my life. She is an angel and I can't express how grateful I am to have amazing friends. They have taught me how to be a better friend.)

I will forever cherish this photo... So precious

Thanks again... I am upset that I haven't been blogging and will be better. I have so much to share over the last 10 days. They have been very special to me and I know I will never forgive myself if I don't document them.

Please Pray for Emmie...

This is Tracey, Tiffany's sister.

As many of you may know, Emmie is in the PICU at Desert Samaritan hospital. If you want to know why... please go here to be updated on her status. Emmie, Tiffany, Jason and their girls need your prayers at this difficult time. Emmie is a precious angel that we love so much and are pleading that the Lord will heal her back to her normal state. Tiffany wants more than anything, to continue to serve Emmie here on this earth. Please pray for the Check family and go to my blog, I will try to update it as we learn more on Emmie's condition.